my text book just quoted the cookie monster
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
