I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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