I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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