Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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