Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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