You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
