Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I enjoy the company of your penis
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
