is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
