we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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