i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
