just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
