I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Boobs speak an international language.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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