You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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