wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
