we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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