I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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