Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
