Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
