Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
