I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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