i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
