Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
