I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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