I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
