Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
