NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
