i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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