my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
