I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
