i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
