she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i think i have herpe
just one?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
