is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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