Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
