Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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