where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
