So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
