Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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