I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
