Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
