So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
