hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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