this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
