I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
