half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
