Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I would ride that face into the sunset
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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