i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
They took my balls.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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