My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
