Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think people are normalizing furries
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
