I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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