my being single is dangerous.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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