i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
